don't be afraid to let love in. even in the darkest of hours making a conscious effort to love and be loved can be considered almost human nature. the world will always be filled with hate, but love is a constant. it is an emotion that has evolved to mean the same thing over time- i don't want u to leave my life. whether you tell her when she wakes up or you pour his coffee for him just the way he likes it. whether the tattoo on your wrist leads u to memories of that person or he keeps your old and torn clothes because he can't let u go. it is a care that runs deeper than just care. it is the universe falling in line so perfectly at the strangest time in our lives. we are nothing if not loving and loved.

who do u think of when u stare at that little girl
was she a lion, was she a mouse?


Omega 3 Capsule- 40?

Breakfast: 1 Fruit Bowl w/ berry yoghurt 330

Handful tzaziki chips 250?

Spinach salad (w/ 100g tofu, Tomatoes, Balsamic vinegar) -175

200g broccoli- 70

Total: Approx. 865?

Too much too fast

Went clubbing with the girls last night, if you could call it that. I got too drunk of course...sloppy drunk. We left early cos of me -_- yay.
Offering to sober drive for next time though.

Woke up this morning and ate a croissant (w/ tomatoes, red onions, kraft cheese and a fried egg) but holy shit tara fills the entire pan up with oil!! I'm wanting food right now but will avoid it. Bojana's 30th tonight. Will eat boiled kale and an apple beforehand. I NEED to lose's just pathetic (for lack of better word) that I've spent more of my life being fat than thinner. I'm gonna start reading Wintergirls again even though it's triggering. My problem isn't starving myself, it's bulimia!!

Tonight I'll drink vodka straight...just enough to socialise with people sufficiently.



I just had a small bowl of more shorbat kuba (without the kuba obvi) -_-
Purging is reaaaaally hard to avoid right now. Reaaaaally hard

EDIT: purged -_- not all but still purged as much as I could. Crap.


Change the voices in your head...make them like you instead

I woke up today and weighed 92.6kgs. Possibly a tad from dehydration (yay vodka nights) but I'll take it. Missed class cos of course I did.

I ate a pear when I woke up and just had lunch (1 bowl of shorbat kuba without the kuba obvi, w/ extra silverbeets w/ a few parsnip pieces and tiny noodle things, a few slices of avocado, handful of olives and 2 gherkins). Wow that really sounds like a lot.

I'm trying to avoid 2 things: 1) purging and 2) eating more.

Im so worried about gaining weight tomorrow that it's all I'm thinking about right now. It's 4pm and I'm going clubbing with the girls tonight so I'll eat at 8pm:

then vodka with sprite zero tonight and tomorrow night for Bojana's 30th.

Spontaneous eating disorder recovery: commence!!


6/3/14 post: Bitchy Girls, Pill-Poppers and Chocolate fondue

Today I weighed 93.6kgs as of this morning and I had lunch with Noor 2 hours ago. Tank salad, large. Fruits aren't so much an enemy of mine anymore. Bulimia pretty much still is. I've been craving pills like no tomorrow. Not only have I raided everyone's homes for anything mind-altering but I've even finished my 120 Tramadols and now I'm just pissed off with myself. Perhaps i should go to that 'miracle' doctor (Simon) but every time I book an appt. I end up crying 'pain' in hopes of a tram script. At this rate I'd settle for codeine pills but nope...just gonna have to stick with cwe's. every once in a while. i dont want to go back to drinking like before but the effects of alcohol make it way too easy.
Chocolate lounge with brogan in a few hours. i need to stay away from the insane amount of calories people pay for like no tomorrow. Will probably share chocolate fondue and lay low on the actual chocolate part of it. I'm not pulling my hair out much or anything anymore though so...that's good. I do need to lose weight though. I'm just gonna live on fruits, vegetables and occasionally tofu.

Uni is not going great. i'm in class right now and have no idea what to do for any of my classes which is giving me anxiety like no tomorrow. i really should try out this simon dude. i'll book an appt. today actually. i can't go on like this. constant anxiety, freaking out about uni, family shit, figuring out my next high. it's too much. or maybe i'm just feeling sorry for myself. Mary, a pretty Zooey Deschanel look-alike in my classes seems super cool and fun, but when I tried talking to her she dismissed me the way every other bitchy girl did in school. Annabelle flashbacks, much? Maybe I'm just being harsh. I'll give her more time before I label her I guess.

wait...this is about my eating disorder...why am i distracting? maybe cos it's one of my best qualities. back to the point: weightloss.
everyone has been up my vagina (and not in a good way) about me losing weight and I actually have been eating much healthier than usual but the scale won't budge!!!!! it's completely pissing me off and makes me want to starve but of course that would result in binging then purging and that's what i'm trying to avoid. and clubbing tomorrow night with the girls?!?! are you fucking kidding me?? what was i thinking?? of course every group needs a heffer -_-

GOAL: 17th March (St. Patricks): 89.0kgs


(no subject)

I ate 2/3 of a milkybar that i found in my car and a few tic tacs at 2.30pm =(
I had class so any urge to purge went away.
I'm worried about lunch cos I'll be having soup and that fills me up, leading to purging.



Breakfast: 11.20am

2 slices of toast with swiss cheese, tomatoes and eggs on top.

I drank water before breakfast so I felt extra full afterwards. I was contemplating purging but I didn't cos I think I was eating an average amount. I'm worried cos I don't know when I should be full or when I'm full or hungry.
I'm determined to lose weight and be happy though, at the same time, meaning no ED.
Stressing over my body/looks, especially if people I know see me. Speaking of which, I think Adil Ali is in my creative writing class ='(
I think lunch is going to be difficult because I won't be home from uni until 5.30pm so I'll have to have some soup or something when I get home.
I'm feeling anxious cos Tara and I got in to an argument last night cos she was insisting that I'm gay again and in front of max and I said I wouldn't tell her about my relationship status anyway. Why would I?! She makes me feel like crap sometimes.
Also no smoking from now on and more exercising!!


Dinner =/
I just had a dinner consisting of 'meat' with tomatoes/sauce, garlic, onion and veg stock on 1 toast. I also had lettuce and capers on the side with apple cider vinegar as a dressing and sushi ginger. I feel SO full and SO bloated. My stomach doesn't feel right and I'm trying to stop myself from purging. My meals for today total an estimation of 1200-1300 calories. I really want a laxative tea but it's still considered purging. But isn't it better than throwing up though??????
Great, a quick google search came up with stats showing a much higher chance of losing weight by throwing up than laxatives -_-
I will NOT have laxative tea and instead will do some exercises in my room. My plan is to run on the spot for 30 mins and do as many sit ups as I can while watching YouTube stuff.

I shall also be planning my meals for tomorrow before I exercise though cos the food is still digesting. Tomorrow I'm going to see if I can gt my phone back in working order so that maybe I'll go to Jett's gym cos I refuse to go without music!! what kind of a life is that!? tomorrow can not come soon enough.


Recovery Days 1 & 2
It's day 2 of recovery. I don't want to change my life, I need to. It only occurred to me to start blogging about it today.

Yesterday was relatively easy to stay away from food because I was too nervous to eat (my phone is broken and at the shop. Everything is on it and I'm so screwed, I swear).

Today is getting a bit more difficult. I logged in to LJ and the first thing I see is a community promo that had a choc chip cookie image. Thanks LJ  =/

I think one of the hardest things to deal with in regards to ED recovery is...

The secrecy. I've kept this a secret for so long that recovering also becomes a part of the secret. This means that I can relapse at any time because nothing is out of bounds. No one knows not to make comments about my weight, food or anything in relation. It's going to be SO incredibly easy for anything to set me off and I could just be like "fuck it, why do I care" BUT I NEED TO REMEMBER THAT I DO CARE!! I've wanted to be normal and happy for so long and there's no better time than now cos I could drop dead at any second from all of this shit.

It's also getting really hard to keep the alcohol to social events only. I'm so used to drinking on a daily basis but I'm stopping because of the rashes, bruises and blisters that only seemed to appear after drunken days/nights.



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