's been so long!!

I haven't been on in what feels like 100 years but I think it's only been 3.

well I'm back!! and so is my weight  -_-
Ever since starting uni, I have gained so much weight but bulimia is still the same though.
I'm back on track starting today cos everyone that sees me is telling me i've gained weight and to control myself, basically. they really don't realize that I have an eating disorder and take out my frustrations by gorging myself to near death and then purging it all up like it never happened. but it did happen.

Everyday I wake up hoping that I never see anyone that I know cos of how embarrassed I would be if anyone saw me.

anyways, my calorie count for the day is 158 calories and I've bought new scales finally.

 I'm so happy to be back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes, i am drunk in my new display pic.
decided to change it. the other one was just bugged me.
PURGE-FREE DAY TODAY!!!!! I had under 100cals. probably more like 90.
1 apple and 1 vitamin c tablet.
going to bed soon.

my life basically sucks really badly right now. i seriously contemplated starting cutting again but i don't know where i kept the knife and my sister was in the room, dammit  >=(
then i almost broke down 3 times. ugh

Scizophrenic? Collapse )

I'll probably eat the same things i had tomorrow. under 100cals, just enough to keep me from binging at night. i don't know why i never thought of actually NOT depriving myself at night before...

p.s. i watched To Be Fat Like Me today. IT WAS AWESOME. i just loved it.

(no subject)
Family/friends never want to hang out with me unless alcohol is involved as a part of some gathering OR i comment about their absence. And I'M the alcoholic?! Do they not wonder what it's like to be lonely?!

TO THE FAMILY-FRIEND THAT FOUND ME DRUNK AND ALONE... You asked about my problems and i told you. You said you'd be there for me, but left me in the dark. Fuck you with no lube!!

TO THE PARENTS THAT HAVE BEEN INFORMED OF MY BULIMIA BY, it's not a joke!! It's not something you can gain sympathy with from your friends!! and yes, i do still throw up, no i can't help it. Yes, i lied when i told you the doctordoesn't think i'm depressed. He told me by seeing my self mutilation, i would be on the higher end of despression. I didn't want you to worry, but that's alright cos you never do anyway. I'm just your black sheep.

TO THE NEEDY SISTER...i'm not jelous of you being with your fiancee, never was. But when we don't hear from you for days at a time, i start to lose hope. I always broke down infront of you and hated myself for it. I learnt to talk to you more about problems cos u begged me to. You never hang out with me unless i'm the one that says something. You said you'd be there but how can you be when all you are is desperate? Selfish of me? I'm sure. I guess i thought out of everyone, you could understand but i now realise you're just as needy as i am.
That's fine but next time, don't lead me on.

TO THE CLUELESS BROTHER... These are all things you'll never know. When you come back from your PhD studies, parents will probably tell you everything, but you'll never know my side of it.

If anybody walked into my room and saw me right now, i bet you they would suddenly care all over again. Just like last time.

I'm not eating and i don't want to.

(no subject)
789cals today, cos i ate a whole pack of chips =\
then purged.
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Bulimia will be the end of me. I dont even expect a future cos i know i'll be dead by then.


(no subject)
Went for walk/jog. Should do that more often.

0.6cals today,
should do that more often too =D

(no subject)
1 dinner. 17 people. Most knew about my 'past' bulimia.
Managed to purge what i could, which wasnt much, when no one noticed.
The next two weeks will be completely living on green tea, lax tea and anti-depressants/appetite supressants
purged til i literally felt like i was gonna throw up my entire inner torso on friday!!
Blood and all...

P.s. Im sorry i couldnt reply to the comments some of you wrote. Thank you though, love ya'll =]

(no subject)
Sorry i've been absent, im a fuck-up.

My cousin asked to borrow our scale for a week and my sister said sure.
Meanwhile, i was nervous, almost had a freak out cos i need the scale!! My sister was like "yeah we dont use it", I USE IT EVERYDAY!! Ugh.
So i've made goals. Will weigh in about a week, i guess =[

my other cousin asked me if i still throw up. I said no, im so 'over' that. Went home and purged. Fuck me!!

(no subject)
Despite binging on butter covered cake, samosas, cheese pasta, twisties, i purged it all up and managed to weigh less than pre-binge.
I havent been eating much thanks to the anti depressants i've been taking lately.
Im so nervous about work on sunday morning cos its gonna be fathers day and so busy. Ugh.

(no subject)
Hey guys. Im back =]
sorry its been a while, i've let myself go. The purging is slowing down for now but it always gets bad again soon so i know ill be purging again in no time =\
im sick though, so i havnt been eating that much. Expect today ={

got into a fight with my mum yesterday at the mall cos i was self conscious when we were clothes shopping and feeling depressed and felt like a fucked up failure while food shopping
depression is hitting me again. I have days where i have to keep in my crying and just let myself cry when im alone. I apologized to my mum for yesterday and all i could think was "i cant let anyone see who i am. I just have to be what everyone wants to see so i can just keep this act up without questions" and i always think like this. Like bulimia is my true identity and when people find out, they might try to stop me again for good. I just cant do that

i got drunk last night(surprise surprise) and repierced my belly button. I keep taking it out and it closes up so hopefully i wont take this one out

love u guysss

(no subject)
Sorry for being so absent lately!!
Couldnt come on cos it was quite risky.

I have no idea what's wrong with me!! Im so dirty and refuse to have a shower cos im terified of facing the mirror again!!
I still dont understand why im so fucked up.

I have a question...
When i was 8, my 11/12 year old female cousin and i sexual things to each other. She started it off so i thought it was just a game and i also went along with it, she didn't force me, i dont think. I dont really remember how it started that much though. Now almost 10 years later, i love her like a sister and we're good friends. I don't think she knows i remember this.
Someone told me this is still considered abuse, what do you think?
We were both so young and i was also playing along so i'm not sure at all.
I seem to block things out that i know happened. I know my mums friend would beat me up and my mum wouldnt believe me, i just dont remember her exactly doing it. I remember before and after but never durring. Idno.

Sorry so long
hope ya'll alright?


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